Are you an overtly romantic person who had a love marriage and now cannot help but say ‘yes’ when someone asks help in running away from home and marrying the girl of his dreams?
Or are you a sentimental fool who cannot say NO to his friend when he asks you to be party to his plans?
Or did you support your friend when you both were drunk and he said he is going to secretly marry his long time love and keep it under wraps till the right day comes when all would be revealed to friends and family? You thought he was joking. Apparently he was not!

Whatever the case be, if you are going to be a part of the organizing committee of an undercover run-away marriage; there are a few things that you should keep in mind. Well, a stitch in time saves nine.

1. Always have a Plan B

There is nothing like ‘overplanning’ in such a thing.
In most of the cases, it never goes as per the plan. So, it is very important for a elopement-assistant to think of a plan B. What if the girl can’t come on the designated date? What if you have to prepone the marriage? What if some distant relatives turn up at the Arya samaj temple? What if the marriage registrar takes a sick leave on D-day?
Always have an alternative planned out. And make sure it is as good as, if not better than, plan A.

2. Pad your Cash flow

You have all figured it out. It is not going to cost more than 55K. How much more can it cost? I mean, you have already covered the temple expenses, registration, post marriage lunch, to and for tickets. So that 55k that you arranged from your kitty and borrowed from your friends would be enough. Right?
Wrong.
Remember, the two to-elope and to-be-wed candidates are hormonally charged and not-in-their-right-minds people. Had they been in their right minds, you wouldn’t be doing the planning. Their parents would be, right?
So, expect strange requests/demands any time during the entire phase. The groom may suddenly decide that he wants to gift his bride a diamond ring(although he is getting married on borrowed money). You cannot say NO to it. If you could say NO, you would have already said NO to the entire plan.
Or the bride may want to shop after the marriage with her ‘hubby’. Of course, you will have to foot the bill. The money shall come back to you of course, in EMIs. But then and there, you need to procure money. So remember, no amount is te right amount. Collect money for such a occasion as if the world is going on war and you would need all the money to survive.

3. Arrange for ‘Fake Parents’

Most of the times, the groom or the bride says they have some distant relatives who would very happily stand in as the ‘parents’ or guardians. As it goes, they chicken out on the last day. And believe me, the committee at Arya Samaj will NOT accept you as a guardian, however bulky and mature you look. So always arrange for ‘fake parents’. Keep them on standby. If you can’t find some gullible relative of yours who is ready to stand in, rent some actors from a drama company. But have them handy.

4. A suitable alibi for the girl

‘It’s just a day’s work and everything would finish by 5 and she would be back home by 7:30 as she normally does’, is what you think. Nobody would guess anything. Think again. Parents have this strange 7th sense. They can smell it if their offsprings go off for a day for a secret marriage. So the girl needs a suitable alibi.
Why only the girl? Did you actually ask that question? Come on. Did you ever see a boy’s parents get worried until the next day is over?
Always remember, the girl can NOT switch off her mobile phone. If she does, her family can get suspicious. ‘My mobile got discharged’ is NOT a suitable alibi. Cause in that case, they may call a friend or office and know that you are not where you are supposed to be. So, the girl needs her mobile up and running. She also needs to answer it. What if the mother calls during the long Arya Samaj ceremony?
Well, experience and studies suggest that the best alibi is for her to say ‘I am going to a friend’s shagun’. That ways no one can suspect or question if they hear laughter or mantras over the phone. And she can always say, it took a lill time. This, or some other suitable alibi.

5. A good lawyer

There is nothing as good as a good lawyer. Specially when it comes to undercover marriages. Do you know you have to apply for a date in the registrar’s office a month ago and that the photographs of both the girl and the boy are to remain affixed at the court premises for a month? Or that the LIU checks with the addresses provided for verification? And that it is not that easy to get a court date?
It could all be a hassle, had it not been for that friendly neighbourhood lawyer. They would arrange for everything from dates to witnesses to police verifications to garlands. And they would itemize all these charges in their invoice :)
But they will save a lot of headache for you. So, never go for a friend who says ‘Arey main ek ko jaanta hoon, sab ho jayega’. Go and personally meet the lawyer. You would truly get to appreciate the fact that ‘For a amount of money, a lawyer is the best friend you can get’

6. No social networking

Remember, these young birds like to give ‘subliminal’ messages to the world about what they are going to do. Facebook status update is perhaps the worst enemy of an elopement.
If possible, get them off FB for 10 days before and after D-day. Best is if you could emotionally blackmail them to spell out their passwords so that you can safely change them.
Also, if you have to, BEG the party guests NOT to click picks and upload them. Yes, their phone is savvy; yes, they have a 3G connection. But can they be off the grid for a day? :)

7. Make them choose their ‘best’ friends

We know that to get married without friends is something no one wants. But believe me, you do not want to invite all groom’s best friends to the occasion. You would not be able to control it when they start getting sentimental after the marriage, over the whiskey and start calling their girlfriends ‘Bhai ki shaadi ho gayi’. The news may spread. Worse, you may have to arrange another elopement-cum-marriage for a sentimental fool.
It’s time for the groom to choose his best friends. Max 3. Others would have to understand. The same way the bride’s friends understand.
Did you know that the average number of friends that an eloped girl brings to the marriage is 0.47 while the friends on the groom side are 7.2 on an average?

8. DO NOT let the love birds to be together for a long time after marriage

Perhaps this would be toughest thing you would have to do in the whole day. The guy who was obediently moving as per your orders, suddenly ignores your requests to hurry up cause she will miss the flight and looks at you and in an emotional tone would say ‘Biwi hai yaar, ab to hak banta hai’.
But believe me, if you do not separate these crooning birds soon, she would actually miss the flight. And it would be a disaster in waiting. So, be rude if you have to, but separate them. Do not let him close that hotel room door for ’10 minutes’. Newlyweds do not have a sense of time.
Be creative. Tell them, ‘How romantic it would be for you to go out and do a lill shopping as husband and wife.’ It may end up setting back the budget anywhere from 1K to 20K, but believe me; this is when you realize that ‘Time is money’.

Once they are done with the shopping, hurry them up and scoop them off to the airport.
The groom is going to be drunk all night and curse you in a tone ‘Bhai yaar, tumne mila ke alag kar diya yaar’. But bear the pain and set apart the two you just helped unite.

9. Control your temper

There would be a thousand things during the day that will irk you, make you wish you should never have signed for this. You would feel like shouting at the top of your lungs when the bride and groom are lovingly kissing each other instead of getting in the goddamned car and going to the airport. You would feel like ripping your hair apart when the groom requests something strange and expensive just before or after the marriage. You may even feel like killing yourself, when you realize that the girl remembered to keep all her 7 shades of nail polish but forgot to keep her degree certificate.
This is where anger management comes in handy. Take deep breaths and say to yourself ‘This is just a bad dream; I am soon going to wake up to normalcy’

10. Always keep a bottle of your favorite scotch/vodka apart

So it all ended up more or less as you wanted it to? They are married in the Arya Samaj and then registered in the court. They shopped and then the girl went back with promises of future in her eyes? And now you can relax with a glass of Absolut, when you suddenly are not able to find the bottle. The rage soars and you end up saying ‘Where the fu*k is my vodka?’ Yes, you guessed it right. You thought 2 bottle of scotch would be enough for these whiskey drinking friends and they would not touch your vodka? You are wrong. This was someone’s special day and they just drank your special spirits down.
So always lock away some and do not tell anybody about it. Believe me, at the end of the day, you are going to need some.

cheers to the newlyweds ~ abhi